Miracles

Things have been good this week. Lots of blessings and life directional changes for the better. I have to remember to stop and appreciate all of the little miracles that take place daily. The fact that I can rely on the sun that shines daily and warms our world. No matter what happens in my life good or bad the sun will always rise and set, and that is something that is constant. As human beings we tend to not take a second glance at those things we can rely on. I am going to try and take a moment each day to be thankful for those things. Sometimes the small things in our eyes are really the big things.

 

Technology

Common courtesy is something that seems to be dwindling with every year that passes. It’s as if the human race is losing it’s grasp on decency and empathy. Those of us that haven’t, suffer the most. Not only common courtesy but also love, sympathy, and respect for others is now a rarity. Instead of caring and compassion, selfish and thoughtless behavior is the norm .The heart of man has become dispassionate, callous and unemotional. Human beings are turning “less human” as time goes by. What happened? Did the world become so terrible that it hardened us all? Or did we all become so hard that the world became terrible? Is technology to blame? The way people communicate with each other most certainly has changed from when I was younger. Now half of most human socialization takes place online and there is a huge decline in human interaction. We have forgotten how to effectively communicate. Our feelings have become abbreviations and emoticons.  Our hearts have become desensitized, and as hard and distant as the computer and cell phone screens we worship. I believe as technology changes and advances, we change and emotionally and mentally deteriorate. It’s as though we ourselves are becoming computers. Back before television, computers and radio, people were much closer because they relied on each others company and there was a much larger sense of family. I have found myself saying many times in my life ” I am so glad I didn’t have to live like they did back in the old days” I am beginning to change my mind.

Temper Temper

Anger and pride why do you gang up on me and get me in so much trouble? It is so much easier to love then hate. Anger is healthy and rage is toxic. It seems I cannot grasp this concept. I want to be able to learn to let go of things instead of holding on to them like they are my last gasp of air. The funny thing about grudges is that they hurt the grudge holder the most. Most of the time the object of your anger doesn’t know, or doesn’t care. What a waste of time and energy. I know all of these things and I remind other of these things. Why can I not practice this? It’s like my anger is a monster that hides within me and when it is messed with it comes out in full force and I, (Sandy) am pushed aside and given no choice but to let it out. It’s like walking a Great Dane on a leash and trying not to be dragged. Perhaps it is time to find a new dog?

Lonely in a crowed room.

Now that all of my immediate family has passed away. I find more and more that I long for a family. I feel I don’t belong anywhere anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong I know I have two children and a husband My children have a sense of belonging with me their mother. However I have no mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle or sister and brother to turn to. When my mom passed away that was it. No more relatives to go to. I as a mother am the rock of the family I am who my children turn to. I don’t have a rock to turn to. I feel so pathetic and desperate to have a family it’s almost maddening. It’s is truly the worst feeling in the world to feel that you have no home. The holidays really suck because when my family was alive they were big on celebrating them. I honestly would not wish this on my worst enemy. I am way to young to be the last person alive besides my kids. I honestly don’t know how to shake this terribly emptiness that I carry around with me all the time. It’s been so bad lately that I had to vent. I just recently moved to start my life over again,however, I feel like a lost puppy. No matter where I go it all seems empty and void. I seriously feel as though I am going to lose my mind sometimes. I just wish I could belong somewhere that would welcome me like my family once did. Usually I am okay and can get past this and push on, but other times I feel as if I am going to burst with sadness.

Why must everything come at me all at once? I am so tired of being bullied by life. I feel like I am being tested to see how much I can take before I fucking explode. I get my hopes up only to be disappointed and laughed at by some invisible asshole that takes pleasure in my suffering. 

A childhood found

As He pushes her on the swing, with a joy

 

upon his face, and the smiles and the laughs

 

are the ones you can’t replace. I see a

 

vison of true fatherhood, true love for a

 

child, as he tries to make up what was lost

 

as he was running wild. He see’s his own

 

reflection in her innocent blue eyes, of his

 

childhood that was lost and so he tries, to

 

find a piece of his old childlike world, and

 

is thankful that he can be a part of his

 

little girls.

As I sit here with a pitted stomach and nervous fingers, feeling the cold torment my skin, I think about how many people have come in and out of my life. Some like a strangers glance that haunts you. Leaving you wondering if you should have had the fortitude to push out those simple words that folks have seemed to forgotten “hello” and others as artificial as what some put in their coffee each morning. There are the ones you call friends that you expand your heart to a little, only to have them stomp on that tiny fragment of yourself that you exposed.. then necrosis kicks in, leaving it a little smaller and damaged each time. Even just from a single deed or maybe just a lack of one. Then there are those that collide right into your soul, changing the way you view the world and renewing your faith in people, those people scare me the most because they have the most power to harm me and some have.I sit here conceiving a way to make sense of this chaos of thoughts and feelings in my head, to be able to convert this disorganization on to a simple keyboard. I wish that I was not human, that I could be emotionally void, as to not need people as I do. That way I cannot be assailable and there would be no worry of hurt. Unfortunately life does not play out that way for most. Romanticizing the thought of sincere human interaction will never be the same as having it.I am a lone entity. The one in a room full of people that’s completely alone.

Sleep

You fought hard didn’t you? Hide it all away.

Pretend it never happened, your cracked smile and empty eyes.

Sleepy memories of days gone by. Turning away from veracity.

It cuts you so good, deep inside where your dark heartache resides.

They laughed at your agony, burnt it into your tragedy.

Crawled inside your soul like a virus and grew slowly.

Eating away at you, you tasted so good the rot and dirt flesh and blood.

A generic replacement of what you once were. Ductile parts in place of your heart.

She blew in and lit up your dark corner, took you apart.

refurbished, mended, and rebuilt you, still contentious.

Defending your defection, coddling your corruption.

Your dark angel with golden wings, she recedes.

Hide it all away….

Yes Mistress

It’s no big deal, a bite to the throat and a kick to the teeth,

I thought this was going to hurt, what a relief.

You never burn me anymore, was it something I said?

I thought I was your number one whipping boy

Did you find someone else instead?

Can’t we work this out, I miss your humiliation

you make me feel so low I love the degradation.

Smash my dignity into the dirt and spit on my integrity

It’s okay, I know I don’t deserve any clemency.

I need you like I need air, I crave your abuse.

Grab my hair and wrap it around my throat like a noose.

Tell me i’m useless and I shouldn’t exist

Leave me bloody, battered and badly dismissed.

Crawl into my head and take over my thoughts

psychoanalyze the fuck out of my brain then leave me to rot.

Yeah that’s right, I know I’m nothing but trash,

just an object to be used, beaten and smashed.

Please I beg you, I need your exploitation,

Thrust me into your mental castration.

A sadists dream, and nightmare combined,

but what a beautiful thing to be strictly confined.

Blog about blogs

Looking back on my 38 year career of life, I have never been one to keep a diary or even in these more advanced times a blog. It’s not for lack of wanting to, it’s more a matter of motivation or better yet discipline. I have had diaries and journals in my possession and have jotted down my mumbling’s and inner thoughts more than once, but I was never able to get past more then a few pages and they ended up on a shelf somewhere. Blogs are useful and powerful tools, especially for those that are bursting at the seams with thoughts, emotions, and ideas.

Yup, that’s me alright